SAYINGS RELATED TO THREE WORDS TO EXPLORE
If you continuously compete with others,
You become bitter, but if you continuously
Compete with yourself, you become better.
Your mind is your greatest friend
If you master it,
But your mind is your greatest enemy
If it masters you.
The master is seated in the heart, your obedient servant is in your head.
FIRST WORD - COMPETITION/COMPARING
EITHER/OR is played out in (Word 1. competition/comparing) in communication by those who have an agenda to win some advantage or other over others.
The other(s) are seen by the competitor as the losers or in some way ‘less than’. It’s a cheapskate way of elevating the self that
doesn’t stand up to a truth test. To take from another does not in reality make you a winner. This is done by making comparisons that are not
in realty comparable. Each persons life is unique, each moment subtly different, resources and situation, also different. In short you have to
ignore much of the reality in the bigger picture to make these favourable to ‘the self ‘ comparisons. Such a game requires manipulation of the truth, maybe the moving of boundaries, perspective and context to make it appear true. There are no winners in the competition and only one competitor, the other didn’t agree to the game. Competition has a place and fits when in an upfront agreement when all parties know it’s a game. Comparing fits best with things at a visual level, ie identifying a spoon from a fork for the functional purpose of consuming soup.
It also fits when choosing what you want for yourself. This unfavourable way of winning may be used to cover the comparers misdemeanours . During our growing years we learn from those around us, and very likely we have all tried a trick or two, our culture is steeped in blame and games. I sense an upsurge in the desire for truth and fairness. THE SECOND WORD is to follow.
SECOND WORD - EXPECTATION
We have this tendency to use past experience of others and to fix expectation on them, that they will behave/meet those expectations
now and in the future. This may be driven by our need to know, to predict a meeting/event/outcome. Fear often underlies the need for predictability, of which there are many. Fear our needs won’t be met, fear of not being in control, fear of not being authentic, not being straight or fair in how we meet our needs. Interestingly, our reaction is often disappointment and anger towards the other, harsh judgement and disgust in the ‘others’ inability to satisfy our expectations. These expectations are not always shared with the other, sort of unspoken, the other becomes aware of their supposed failure when a sudden reaction occurs. Fixed beliefs (very generalised) don’t take into account the other persons very different and unique life, circumstances, varying resources in the bigger picture of an ever changing reality. Such a view is destined to disappointment since it depends on being able to control a much bigger field of reality, on playing destructive games that amount to twisting truths, controlling, judging and oppressing others to pull it off. This may succeed when the ‘other’ feels the threat of punishment,
in effect blackmailed. The ‘other’ may have to sacrifice their own responsibilities and needs to meet these expectations. Because we believe and invent rules to feel safe in our predictions to get our needs met, does not mean they work or stand true in reality. The safest place to be is in the here and now and see/weigh what is in front of you inside the bigger picture. We are not fixed entities, reality is not fixed, resources fluctuate. Questions need to be asked, intentions/agendas need to be transparent before we can assess something is possible to expect, don’t we just love to believe we can mind read, that’s another dangerous belief. The reality we may have to face is ‘we are often the cause of our own disappointments’, nothing lost if we learn from it and can pay our consequences. We are fortunate if that is possible.
THE THIRD WORD to follow soon.
THIRD WORD- ASSUMPTION
Assumption has a tendency to be driven by our own needs. Needs such as ‘getting’ someone to agree, say yes to doing what you want.
The chances of it working may be coming from your past experience of the person and/or your past experience of having power to control them. Underlying the above are your rules and beliefs (unspoken) ‘I always say yes and so you should’. Assumption may also be tied to expectation. Sometimes the intention in our assumptions may be to hurt another, put them down to elevate ourselves by manipulating or twisting what they have said, ‘so you think . . .’ - not at all what was said. Another example is to take things out of context to win a need to be right or make out the other is bad, in this we are now in a competition as well as imposing assumption. This is cheating to defend a fragile self.
The good news is that the culture and conditioning of our environment has given us these masks (false self). If we want to blame someone for this, we may have to go back a long way in history or just accept we have all played a part in perpetuating it. Now we know it’s false, we can change it. If we believe there is not a better, real, straight and true self, we will cling for dear life to the only one we have. That’s a sad life, struggling, defending and guarding what is not real for fear there is no real self. The truth/real self shall set you free to live as you were meant to, at peace, content, creative and loving.
When does assumption live authentically? When we can’t access the fullness of information and have to make a decision, when you ask a question to find out what another needs, for example for dinner and don’t get an answer. Declare openly, ‘I can’t get the information I need and will have to assume and hope it’s a good guess’. The second example is a game played by someone too lazy or controlling, lazy being often someone young or immature. Often abuse is played out using food, ie making it impossible for the other to get it right for them, wasting the others efforts and resources as a way of diminishing and weakening them (cruel controlling), food often thrown in the bin, not right, not good enough. Being openly honest, the choice is an assumption is authentic use of assumption, it’s not a guarantee it will satisfy those who demand or expect mind reading.
WATCH for these three words playing out in your communication, stop to check your intention, ask yourself ‘what am I wanting from this’?
If you don’t like the way you are trying to get the need met, change it, be first open with yourself, then you can be open with others. Fear not what you find, it got there by conditioning, it’s not the real you. It’s an indirect attempt to get needs met, no one encouraged openly asking.
I welcome feedback from anyone who has tested self/others, through awareness and reflection regarding how the above three words have played out in communication. Please share any feelings and effects you have experienced as a result by email to [email protected], your personal information will be kept confidential. Your views are important to understanding the effects these forms of communication have on peoples lives. Your generous sharing may influence and change the way we communicate and relate to each other to a more open, honest and caring way. I look forward to hearing from you.
DEEPER INTO THE CONSEQUENCES OF THE GAMES WE HAVE PLAYED
What happens if you fall in the trap of the three habits mentioned above is a number of blockages to truth and therefore a loss of a sense of boundaries of self awareness and self responsibility. This reduces your choices in the bigger picture of reality and awareness of consequences. If you can keep centred and focussed through your impartial observer, this allows a bigger picture of reality. Using the head alone causes partial judgement, beliefs and rules control the data, ie what we let in or dismiss. Our choices are often driven by desire and ego,
either designed to get what we want or to defend a false or fragile sense of self. In effect, we have to play a game, cheat with words/actions to
pull it off. We fail to see the consequences through such narrow focus. Centred in the heart with a pause allowing the head to quieten, we are then able to take more information in, we read both inside and outside much quicker than the head. Our choices and actions are more congruent and directly aimed with good intentions and as a result bring positive results without harm to self/others and environment. We can only discover this trueness by being in this position of observing impartially and responding to the reality before us. From this position the heart and body informs and the head receives and delivers, heart is the master, head the servant. Our education and conditioning has positioned us the wrong way round and as a result it has cut us off from our most intelligent part. We are made easier to brain wash and control and to fit into a dumbed down order of society. You may notice a split occurs between body and head causing a fight within us. We become ‘either/or’, either head wins or heart wins, not a full shilling whichever wins, note it’s a competition that divides truth. If both are working together seamlessly ‘and’ comes into the frame, we move from ME or YOU to ME and YOU. This move is a quantum leap that will bring humanity to a potential golden age. We can see this taking place in the face of the Covid pandemic and the wake up call of climate change. We are facing the consequences of the games we have played. Maybe that is what it takes to get change for the well being of the planet and all those who live on her. Can we work together to bring out the best in us?
We are going to need all our personal resources, and dig deep into our untapped potential to recover from the challenges we are facing.
Brexit and Covid19 have coincided, creating a tipping point. It seems both a wake up and shake up, calling us to see the bigger picture,
learn from our own experience and each other. We have been globally pooling resources and helping each other in a way never before.
EITHER/OR thinking separates us from each other, the truth and the bigger picture, it’s a con game that never wins in the long term.
Are we ready for a quantum leap in the way we perceive ourselves and others? Can we contemplate AND? All lives matter, at last the
world has come together to cry out for justice, honesty and fairness (this is what I mean by AND, not EITHER/OR). My hope is that the
money pot used to get us through Covid19 is the ARMS pot and that we can’t afford anymore wars, and I am sure we have felt enormous gratitude in those times of threat to our safety when our Forces have risked their lives to protect us. The Forces have played a great and honourable role during this pandemic. I do believe there are enough disasters to keep the Forces most honourably occupied, and do recognise and feel gratitude for keeping us safe from real threats. There has been a long history of continuous war at great cost to innocent lives, and the lives of soldiers, leaving many people with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Many have been left unsupported. This pandemic has also killed and traumatised people across the globe. My hope is that this has been a time of reassessment and realisation that all lives matter, that we need each other, and can co-creatively create a better world in the future.
I hope to write more about the above two kinds of thinking and the difference it can make to our resources and outcomes.
Contemplating the changes we have had to make through the recession, in the challenge of globalisation and now Brexit.
These have not been times of plenty and pose a massive challenge for change for those generations who have known a world of endless material supplies, who have not experienced or learned how to cut their cloth according to their means as those of the post war generation.
A long time since my last blog, it seems like a long lull for us all in the slow process of negotiating Brexit. Uncertainty is not an easy position and yet it has the potential to take us to living in the here and now, to accept the reality of the moment and find choices from a real position, not dwell in where we wish it was. A lot of energy is wasted worrying about the future that is ever harder to predict. We tend to get stuck in
trying to come up with solutions to counter our fears of past experiences rather than deal with the present reality. As we have all no doubt found, something else entirely different happens and we are no more armed than if we never contemplated the future. The future is changed by each action in the moment, we have to be poised in the moment and take the journey step by step to reach a conclusion. Hooked into tunnel visioned goals will block the bigger picture out and then we fail to see better options/other avenues that the moment of changing reality shows us. The world is faster moving than ever before, we are in a far safer position being aware of now. Being seated in now with a quiet mind, being able to be poised and centred will allow us to hear both internal/external information, see the bigger picture and make well informed choices towards positive outcomes. Some persistence is required, not easy to begin with, however, not as difficult as climbing up hill all the time with a heavy load. The difficulty getting started is in letting go of the way we have operated (old patterns of thinking and behaving), in effect repeating what we have known to know something else new. Other ideas that get in the way of letting go are the need to know an outcome or answers before we will engage. That in a sense is predestination, which excludes all other possibilities and does not necessarily get the outcome we were aiming for. Certain beliefs such as ‘unless scientifically tested then it’s not to be trusted’, you could say scepticism. Science as we know it, is not yet capable of descerning all truths or possibilities, however, it does not stop amazing moments of discovery in the simple course of life. Not much new came out of repeating what we already know. Why not make use of all the instruments in the human orchestra. Personal, Relational, Team/Family Development is a service I offer through a co-creative approach.